3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
