I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
