Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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