I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
