paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
