I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
