If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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