I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
FUCK WHALES
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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