oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
