I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
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