woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
