Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
