Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
