I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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