Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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