she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Come on in and take your pants off
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