I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
COCAINE IS GR8
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
