Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
