He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
