I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
