i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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