And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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