Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
