I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
