I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
