So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
