Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
