no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
