Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
