You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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