i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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