hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
