If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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