Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
