I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
