Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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