Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I want her autograph on my taint
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Send help, water and tortillas.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
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