i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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