That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
