Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
