it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
