respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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