i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
