We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
