So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
