She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
