I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
