recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
