My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
