I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
