when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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