I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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