he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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