I don't think brook has ever known best
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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