Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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